Puzzled

What a day. It has been a bit weird. Seems like instagram and a few people on Facebook are posting remembrances of a few kpop idols who committed suicide. Ome is Jonghyun and one is Sulli. Those 2 I know. But the other 3 I don't.

It made me think about how unstable I am mentally. How a month ago I joined a website for people wanting to commit suicide. Researching where I went wrong in my attempt 7 months ago. Still have no idea why I am still alive and why I want to be dead so much. 

I'm okay today

I'm okay today. That's a rare title for me. It does happen. 

Nothing major has happened. No-one has stressed out, I haven't made any mistakes.

It's a good thing. But people who deal with anxiety have a tendency to always wait for the other shoe to drop. How long will the peaceful period last? What else is gonna happen? 

People with anxiety always have these questions. When oh when is my husband going to come home and start a fight because he's pissed off about something that has nothing to do with me. Not a question, a fact. A statement of truth. When is he going to badmouth me, belittle me and cuss me? 

Anyway.... so yesterday I painted. I am an artist after all. I skipped laundry day and I painted. Nothing much. But art and creating gives my soul rest and freedom. Today, it's freezing outside and I have no choice but to be creative. I love that. 

my wake up

My mornings are usually spent on my deck at 430am til 830am drinking coffee, smoking cigars and watching the sun rise. When it gets to cold to sit outside I spend my morning doing the first 2 things mixed with my mp3 player. This morning it K-pop music all the way!

Music is a positive escape for me. I put in my headphones and crank the volume up all the way. 

I have 296 songs on it and can't live without it! Just one way to not think. What are some things you do to not think negative thoughts? Comment below. 

Bad Thoughts again

Yesterday and today I've been having suicidal thoughts. It's a constant battle for me. 

7 months ago I tried unsuccessfully. I will not elaborate on methods. Just suffice it to say, I failed. 

Everyday I have to find something to live for. Everyday I have to find inner strength not to do myself in. 

The medication makes me feel like I'm in zombie mode. It makes me so tired I can't function. I can't drive,  can't clean the house, I can't get dressed in the morning. Nothing. I know I'm not the only one who deals with that. 

Those meds make me feel like I'm even more worthless than normal. 

I have 1 medication for my anxiety and insomnia, the other is for depression and OCD. I hate both. 

But, I really do need my meds. Unfortunately I can't take them unless I can sleep for 2 days and have absolutely nothing to do.

So how do you all handle your mental illness and medication? Let me know in the comments.