My depression

My depression got the better of me yesterday. I spent a few hours off and on in tears. So many things have overwhelmed me in the last couple of weeks.

It's weird. I couldn't understand why I suddenly felt like crying since last Sunday. Then yesterday that asshole I'm married to was watching cat videos on YouTube. I realized one of the major issues this year is I miss my boy.

He was my soulmate for sure. I began crying and went to the bathroom. The husband doesn't care and didn't even notice. 

That's another issue. Being alone all the time. Ignored like a sofa. Unless he needs to sit his ass down, I don't exist. I have been formulating a plan for a year to get out of this relationship.

Plus just a whole bunch of little things adding up on top of me throwing out a vertibrae in my neck 2 days ago. So lots of physical pain to top it all off.

Depression is strange. I can pretend it isn't there. I'm good at stuffing my emotions into a hole, deep, deep inside me. But eventually they escape my control. 

So today it's a morning of music.

Puzzled

What a day. It has been a bit weird. Seems like instagram and a few people on Facebook are posting remembrances of a few kpop idols who committed suicide. Ome is Jonghyun and one is Sulli. Those 2 I know. But the other 3 I don't.

It made me think about how unstable I am mentally. How a month ago I joined a website for people wanting to commit suicide. Researching where I went wrong in my attempt 7 months ago. Still have no idea why I am still alive and why I want to be dead so much. 

I'm okay today

I'm okay today. That's a rare title for me. It does happen. 

Nothing major has happened. No-one has stressed out, I haven't made any mistakes.

It's a good thing. But people who deal with anxiety have a tendency to always wait for the other shoe to drop. How long will the peaceful period last? What else is gonna happen? 

People with anxiety always have these questions. When oh when is my husband going to come home and start a fight because he's pissed off about something that has nothing to do with me. Not a question, a fact. A statement of truth. When is he going to badmouth me, belittle me and cuss me? 

Anyway.... so yesterday I painted. I am an artist after all. I skipped laundry day and I painted. Nothing much. But art and creating gives my soul rest and freedom. Today, it's freezing outside and I have no choice but to be creative. I love that. 

my wake up

My mornings are usually spent on my deck at 430am til 830am drinking coffee, smoking cigars and watching the sun rise. When it gets to cold to sit outside I spend my morning doing the first 2 things mixed with my mp3 player. This morning it K-pop music all the way!

Music is a positive escape for me. I put in my headphones and crank the volume up all the way. 

I have 296 songs on it and can't live without it! Just one way to not think. What are some things you do to not think negative thoughts? Comment below. 

Bad Thoughts again

Yesterday and today I've been having suicidal thoughts. It's a constant battle for me. 

7 months ago I tried unsuccessfully. I will not elaborate on methods. Just suffice it to say, I failed. 

Everyday I have to find something to live for. Everyday I have to find inner strength not to do myself in. 

The medication makes me feel like I'm in zombie mode. It makes me so tired I can't function. I can't drive,  can't clean the house, I can't get dressed in the morning. Nothing. I know I'm not the only one who deals with that. 

Those meds make me feel like I'm even more worthless than normal. 

I have 1 medication for my anxiety and insomnia, the other is for depression and OCD. I hate both. 

But, I really do need my meds. Unfortunately I can't take them unless I can sleep for 2 days and have absolutely nothing to do.

So how do you all handle your mental illness and medication? Let me know in the comments. 

Honesty is the best policy

When it comes to dealing with my mental illness. Honesty is truly the best policy. I have decided to start right now.
The first thing anyone should know about me is my labels.
1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
4. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)

Though these are just labels to someone who has no clue what they mean in my life, they are indeed a personal hell.

What these labels mean to me
1. I hurt, deeply. To my soul, deeply. Expressing this hurt is very hard to do. What hurts? Why does it hurt?
2. I am uncomfortable. I feel fearful. I can't breathe.
Why do you feel this way? What is making you feel this?
3. Sudden thoughts of wanting to run away. Loud noises, screaming, fighting, I can't hang. Searching for exits.
Why?
4. A place for everything and everything in it's place. Bleaching EVERYTHING! Don't touch my stuff! NO not there! Don't wait, get it done NOW! Count. Count everything.
WHY? Again why?

Here's some truths.
1. I am covered in tattoos. I can't control much, but I can control my body and what it looks like.
2. I suffer from mental illness.
3. I tried to commit suicide 6 months ago for the 3rd time in my life. If my husband hadn't come home early, I would have succeeded.

Again WHY?